Wet Ground Reflection

Rainy days are good. It's Wintery. That's good, too.

Here's what the past days have themed:

Metallic Leather
Room Rearrangements
Sunflower Seed Butter
Nebulas
Remembering Quan Yin
Space
Space
Space

I feel the confusion of the world...It feels like constantly having to work to keep my force field up...keep the confusion out...keep myself protected.

I feel the pull of two opposing forces....one is optimistic and tells me to keep following my heart and it will lead me back to the stars...the other whispers to me that this game is a burden, an ordeal that is becoming tiresome and worthless.

It's a terrible thought! Not pleasant when it creeps in.

My light is brighter, though. Evil out there shan't touch me :)

I Declare You Banished

I've been trying to think back to specific childhood events that probably had more of an impact on my life than I thought. I'm trying to re-figure myself out, you know? Anyway, last night I had an epiphany!

Throughout my life I've always been very self-conscious and automatically assume people don't like me. This has plagued me off and on, and now I'm in a phase where I'm coming out more fully and getting to a deeper understanding of myself. It can get intense!

So I had this memory pop in from fourth grade. I remember it was the end of the school day, right before leaving to get on the bus, and I was really excited because my best friend Petunia (name has been changed) had just handed me a note before she left. I remember the feeling so distinctly...you know how amazing it was when someone gave you a note at that age!

Well I got on the bus and opened up the note...SO EXCITED....and you know what it said? "Dear Sarah, I'm sorry but I can't be friends with you anymore because I'm friends with Begonia now." (name has been changed)

WTF??!!

I was completely and utterly DEVASTATED. My heart sunk down to the bottom of the bus and got jostled around for the rest of the ride home. That was the first time I had been crushed like that, had the rug pulled out from under me...and that incident quietly but severely impacted the way I handle human interaction. I've really just brushed it back under that rug, so while I usually get by without the tension, it's still always there. It's annoying!

But now that I've pin pointed the exact moment that triggered the change in how I saw myself, I can go and delete the program. I can banish what remains of those feelings and move on, knowing Petunia and Begonia can no longer make me feel like a Pansy :)

Image above (c) Sarah Johns 2011

Visit www.etsy.com/shop/uhhuhsarah to purchase original art!

I Honor the Winds of Change

The winds today have been powerful...I came home to find the front porch in shambles...the floor fan toppled down the stairs, a beautiful glass bottle wind chime had been shattered, and the majestic painting of a camel was no longer nailed to the wall....you get the idea.

The winds are always communicating some kind of message, and today I was listening right from the start.

Upon waking I immediately threw on some comfortable (and colorful) clothes, ate an apple, and headed off to my first time at Dance Church. Yes, that's right, Dance Church. The Asheville Movement Collective celebrates every Sunday by hosting a couple waves of silent, ecstatic dance, followed by a closing circle where all can share their thoughts on today's dance and offer any announcements (from meditation groups to rooms for rent to someone's birthday). I knew I would love it, but really didn't know how much it would be appreciated on a day like today.

Things have been pretty chaotic and cluttered, in my thoughts mostly...which causes the rest of my life to feel slightly claustrophobic and confused. So continuing with the C words, church today was a reminder that dude, life is simply beautiful and their is beauty and love to be found everywhere if you are open and accepting of it. The love and beauty was full on at Dance Church, the moment I entered the door and let it enter me.

I was pretty high from that experience, but also feeling the pressure and tension of the things I need to figure out in the immediate future. So I walked through downtown Asheville with two dear elf friends of mine and found my way into a favorite shop of mine called A Far Away Place. They have a really nice selection of books concerning mind, body, and spirit, and I always flip through the ones that call to me knowing I will come upon something that resonates with me.

Today two pieces of information found me. The first was from a book about self-realization, and it basically said that the feelings and sensations you have in your physical body can often be explained by something going on in the flow of energy in your mental and spiritual bodies...For example, if you have a tickle in your throat, instead of just assuming you are getting sick, think about what you aren't saying that needs to be said...something that needs to be communicated. This is a very optimistic and proactive way of reacting to your body. So I had a tickle and decided to call my mom. Things were solved.

The second book I opened was a book of animal spirit guides, and the page I turned to was the Panther/Jaguar. This sort of thing happens to me a lot. It's synchronicity...Jaguar is one animal spirit that I have always been intrigued by but haven't taken on as a guide...I think I've subconsciously been afraid of it's power, but lately it has been popping up more often, and I feel more connected to Jaguar spirit and feel it is a part of me. It is a quiet kind of power, waiting til the exact right time to take action...Jaguar is also a seeker of truth and in Mayan mythology was said to travel through dreams, destroying negativity and facades.

Anyway, the winds prompted me to listen to this wisdom and activate..and I'm grateful I listened. While not all questions have been cleared up, I feel a little bit of empowerment that I know will stay with me (as it's always there, but just needs to be prodded every once in a while).

Listen to the Winds of Change and keep with the flow. Infinite Blessings, one and all :)

Image above (c) Sarah Johns 2011

Visit www.etsy.com/shop/uhhuhsarah to purchase original art!

Stepping Out of the Shadows

The world is changing. This i know. I FEEL it all around me. And that makes for difficultly in cultivating and holding a space that is all my own. I am a long-time loner, and am completely content to wander and be alone in my thoughts....being a part of the world around me, but not and mover or shaker. I came to Asheville, NC the summer of 2011 with the hopes of exploding my art upon the already unique and wacky community...but came to find that the doors were not exactly open...maybe cracked, but definitely not ajar.

Nearly half a year later, and still I haven't found my artistic niche here in the mountains. What's my problem??

What I've realized is that I have to open the doors myself. But selling myself is not my forte. Actually, selling anything really isn't my forte. Which is funny, because I've only ever worked retail jobs up until now. I know that I don't want to waste my time working a mundane job; it totally stifles my ability to create, and creating is what I know I want to do.

Creating comes naturally. Getting my creations out to the world is my challenge.

Talking to my dad's wife, Randi, who is a contemporary experimental painter and also used to live in Asheville, I learned exactly what I already knew. An artist has to be able to conduct both the realms of solitude and publicity...There needs to be a balance of inward and outward, and I know I have a natural ability for both. I love interactions with people of all kinds; I am not afraid of social encounters, so long as they happen naturally and I don't feel forced to make the interaction occur. Which is the fear that comes up behind me when I think about putting my art out there. Why can't my art just magically appear in galleries all over town?!

I know that's not how it works. Obviously I need to take initiative and just GO ALL IN, but first I need to have a presentable array of work, a portfolio, business cards....As much as I want to be a free bird and go with my whim all the time, it's apparent that people who run galleries don't really have time for whim. They need to see a clean, organized, quality portfolio if they are even going to think about placing a new artist. How do I navigate that world? I never learned this in art school.

So what I've recently become aware of is that it's not a piece of cake to be self-employed.

It's hard work not working for the man!

bat attack

i had a bat fly into my room a few months ago, and the other night i had a dream that two bats came in through my window, and i was worried that they might have rabies and my cats didn't have their rabies shots so i was trying to keep the cats out of the room so they wouldn't get bitten.  well pickle kept coming back in through the window trying to get the bats.  my mom and sisters were there as well, and mom warned me not to go into my room because i would get attacked, but i just had to save the cats.  so i went in and the bats latched onto my arms with their little fangs and claws and i could not get them off!  quite disturbing.  my youngest sister told me the reason they attacked me was because i was the largest creature in the room. 

a little white cat and public urination

many of my dreams take place in a grocery store, as did my dream last night.  i went in to purchase a couple things, and one of the cashiers knew me and told me he would give me a ride home since he was getting off his shift.  on the way in to the store i had spotted a little white cat, like the one i have now only smaller.  when we were pulling out of the parking lot i saw him again, and exclaimed that i just had to take him home.  i jumped out of the car and grabbed the kitty and got back in with him in my lap.  next thing i know it's dark out on a busy intersection and we have two guys in the back seat who are apparently intoxicated.  as we are stopped at the red light, both of them get out of the car and start peeing in the middle of the road.  i want nothing more than to get them back in the freaking car before a cop pulls up and starts a whole ordeal.  naturally, this does occur and the more belligerent of the two guys starts messing around with the other cars and eventually begins to hump the cop car.  i comment to the driver that this dude is so going to get arrested and we need to get him back in the car, but i don't want the cops to know he belongs with us.  the driver says that we should just get going because the dude is obviously already going to get arrested and we don't even know him so it's his own problem.  i willingly agree and we drive off into the night.  looking into the rearview mirror, i see the cop getting his handcuffs out, and feel a sense of ease since we totally called the outcome.

a dream within a dream

last night i had my first ever dream about having a dream.  i was unaware in my actual dream that i was dreaming until later when i told someone about the dream i had.  so here's how it goes.  i was in an open field near some woods and a farmer's home with my friend josher.  we came upon something buried under a heap of straw, and uncovered it to find a woman's dead body.  i wanted to take it away before the man came, so i found a dresser nearby that had drawers of various sizes.  i attempted to put the body in one or two before finding the correctly sized drawer.  then it was small enough for me to carry.  i heard the man coming so i ran into a bathroom to hide the drawer and leave the man a note, but i realized that i could not leave the body there because it was the man's wife whom he had killed.  i began to panic as i heard footsteps coming toward the bathroom, and i'm not sure how i escaped or what i ended up doing with the drawer.  suddenly i am in a dining room with many of my friends telling them about this crazy dream i had about discovering a dead body, putting it in a drawer, and trying to hide it in a bathroom. 

i feel like dreaming about dreaming is a whole new level of dreaming!  i think i was in a pretty deep, deep sleep while having this dream, and i wonder if that had something to do with it.  or maybe my brain is subconsciously attaining another level of consciousness.  who knows?  i can only hope my dreams continue to evolve in this insane fashion!