I've been trying to think back to specific childhood events that probably had more of an impact on my life than I thought. I'm trying to re-figure myself out, you know? Anyway, last night I had an epiphany!
Throughout my life I've always been very self-conscious and automatically assume people don't like me. This has plagued me off and on, and now I'm in a phase where I'm coming out more fully and getting to a deeper understanding of myself. It can get intense!
So I had this memory pop in from fourth grade. I remember it was the end of the school day, right before leaving to get on the bus, and I was really excited because my best friend Petunia (name has been changed) had just handed me a note before she left. I remember the feeling so distinctly...you know how amazing it was when someone gave you a note at that age!
Well I got on the bus and opened up the note...SO EXCITED....and you know what it said? "Dear Sarah, I'm sorry but I can't be friends with you anymore because I'm friends with Begonia now." (name has been changed)
WTF??!!
I was completely and utterly DEVASTATED. My heart sunk down to the bottom of the bus and got jostled around for the rest of the ride home. That was the first time I had been crushed like that, had the rug pulled out from under me...and that incident quietly but severely impacted the way I handle human interaction. I've really just brushed it back under that rug, so while I usually get by without the tension, it's still always there. It's annoying!
But now that I've pin pointed the exact moment that triggered the change in how I saw myself, I can go and delete the program. I can banish what remains of those feelings and move on, knowing Petunia and Begonia can no longer make me feel like a Pansy :)
Image above (c) Sarah Johns 2011
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